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Ask an Expert Forum Event 7th April 2011
Posted by: Juliet Surrey Posts: 14
Join us on 7th April 2011 between 8-10pm to meet our Parenting Experts and join in our Live Forum Event.
If you have any questions please post them here. They will be answered during the event.
Complain About This Post Posted: 31/Mar/11 at 11:28:37
Replies
Posted by: Zoe Surrey Posts: 11
My son is 8 years old. At school he is probably the 'best behaved' child in his class, he would never answer back and always listens and follows instructions and has been referred to as 'An Angel' and 'A Peacemaker'. As soon as he walks out of the school gate he transforms into a stubborn and angry child just screaming at me when he can't gets his own way. He is really bad at sharing with his sister and his behaviour really breaks my heart. What can I do?
Complain About This Post Posted: 31/Mar/11 at 18:34:53
Posted by: darrenpd Surrey Posts: 2
My boy is 7 and absolutely loves his sport and wants to be involved whenever there is a game to be played. He is now at the age where sport is becoming more than just a bit of fun and competitive competition. However he suffers with confidence as he is not one of the most outgoing kids even though I know he is good enough to be picked on merit. I feel his confidence is holding him back. I’m sure this is a common issue but how can I boost his self esteem and confidence? Kids at this age can be cruel but how can I get him to ignore that and just do his best which would be good enough.
Complain About This Post Posted: 03/Apr/11 at 16:59:30
Posted by: Juliet Surrey Posts: 14
I would really appreciate your input. Over the past year I've tried several approaches to engage my almost 6 yr old son in the morning routine, with pretty poor results. Pre school preparation is frantic,stressful and draining for all concerned. He has an 8 yr old & 3 year old brother so as you can imagine, helping him to adopt any concept of time & urgency would be welcomed all round.He is generally a well behaved boy who just wants to play and despite his determination to stay focused on the task in hand (dressing, eating breakfast...)he is repeatedly distracted. For both our sakes - is there any possibility of breaking this cycle?
Edel
Complain About This Post Posted: 05/Apr/11 at 13:55:00
Posted by: juliet Surrey Posts: 14
Our 2 year old is now sleeping in a bed. While he does sleep all night getting him to stay in his bed can take up to an hour. We now sit outside his room so when he gets out of bed we take him straight back. I had hoped that he would get fed up with it but it has now been 5 months. Even when we have reduced his sleep at lunchtime so he more tired that doesnt work either.
Heidi
From Havant
Complain About This Post Posted: 05/Apr/11 at 14:01:16
Posted by: nicB London London Posts: 1
My son is fifteen months old and has quite a few teeth. The problem is he hates having them brushed. I don't want to force him each time I go to brush them as I don't want him to form a negative association with it. I've noticed that even at this age he can have bad breath if I don't brush them well. How much importance should I place on brushing his teeth and can I be a bit more relaxed about it at his age? Any tips on making the process fun and possible? This also applies to toe and fingernail cutting.
Complain About This Post Posted: 06/Apr/11 at 15:29:38
Posted by: mgimenez London Posts: 1
I have 14 month old twins who have slightly different sleeping habits. Whilst they both tend to have their naps at the same time, one sleeps longer than the other, especially at lunch time. While this doesn't affect their night time sleep, I do worry that I am giving more one on one time to the one who wakes earlier, and fear that the second twin will be missing out. Should I be concerned about this, or should I try to have one on one time with the "sleeper" to balance out?
Complain About This Post Posted: 06/Apr/11 at 16:25:35
Posted by: jackieruggio Surrey Posts: 1
My sister has a 12 month old baby who still breast feeds for his last feed before bed. she is desperate to ween him off so dad can put him to bed. She's tried but he screams and won't go to sleep. She would be grateful of any advice you can give!
Complain About This Post Posted: 06/Apr/11 at 17:30:43
Posted by: DebbieP Gloucestershire Posts: 1
I have a 16 year old daughter. I have very few complaints. She works hard at school and is well behaved. She is very little trouble, but she swears a lot in the house. Not at anyone, but in conversation. I don't like it and she knows that, but it doesn't stop her. I wonder if I am being old fashioned and should just thank my lucky stars that I know where she is every night and she is little trouble. I don't want to damage a good relationship.
Complain About This Post Posted: 06/Apr/11 at 19:29:24
Posted by: juliet Surrey Posts: 14
I have two boys, aged 4 and 7, who share a bedroom. They love sharing their room but currently their bedtime routines are in synch with one another (including bathtime and stories). However, they are getting to the stage where the 4-yr old will need to be in bed before the 7-yr old, who wants to stay up a little later. Before I embark on changing their bedtime routines, can you offer any advice as to the best way to approach this? I don’t want to disrupt the critical ‘bedtime hour’ and cause problems for myself unnecessarily.
Eva
Complain About This Post Posted: 06/Apr/11 at 21:42:15
Posted by: juliet Surrey Posts: 14
I’m still giving my 13 month old baby a night time bottle of milk before I go to bed (so around 10pm). When I tried to stop it recently it coincided with a bout of night wakening (I’m not sure it’s related) so I didn’t dare to stop after all. But I’m conscious she’s a bit old to need a ‘dream feed’. I’m torn between thinking I should try and wean her off it and alternatively that it’s just something that works for us and we shouldn’t worry about it. What do you think?
Eleanor Fairford
Complain About This Post Posted: 06/Apr/11 at 21:43:56
Posted by: juliet Surrey Posts: 14
I’m still giving my 13 month old baby a night time bottle of milk before I go to bed (so around 10pm). When I tried to stop it recently it coincided with a bout of night wakening (I’m not sure it’s related) so I didn’t dare to stop after all. But I’m conscious she’s a bit old to need a ‘dream feed’. I’m torn between thinking I should try and wean her off it and alternatively that it’s just something that works for us and we shouldn’t worry about it. What do you think?
Eleanor Fairford
Complain About This Post Posted: 06/Apr/11 at 21:47:21
Posted by: juliet Surrey Posts: 14
Hi, I have an 8 year old son who is bright and active. What I am a little concerned about as he gets older is the amount of after school activities he is doing and wants to do. He loves all kinds of sport and my question really is ‘ how much should a child of this age do’, ‘should he be having some down days?’
Vanessa
Complain About This Post Posted: 06/Apr/11 at 21:48:07
Posted by: Juliet Surrey Posts: 14
I was brought up one way my partner another and therefore we both have different views based on our childhoods on how to bring up our children. Sometimes this causes problems and then we end up arguing in front of them and setting a really bad example. Any advice you can offer would be really appreciated.
Thanks,
Juliet
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 10:32:33
Posted by: CK2010 Ayrshire Posts: 3
My daughter has just turned 3. I know tantrums etc are normal at this age but whenever things don't go her way she screams or gets upset very easily. Whether it be fighting over a toy, not wanting to get dressed/go out/eat her meal or if I say no to things. She is incredibly oversensitive about every little thing and I really notice the difference when she has friends to play. She's so particular over what cup/plate/toy etc. Also sometimes something such as falling over where she doesn't really hurt herself very much ends in tears and basically ruining the morning as she gets in such a state and invariably falls asleep. Regarding sleep, her behaviour is definitely worse when she's tired, but she gets up at the crack of dawn no matter what I do and then usually still naps for 1-2hrs. Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 12:37:02
Posted by: loulou22 Lancashire Posts: 10
Hi,
I am having problems with my son who keeps throwing things at me and screaming and need some advice. He has just turned 2 and is not talking yet. He throws things when he is frustrated or does not get his own way.
I have tried the naughty step or taking his toys away but he doesn't understand.
Also he doesn't get the opportunity to interact with other children his own age.
Apart from the above he is generally a happy boy.
Thanks,
Loulou
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 19:57:26
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Hello everyone.
We are very excited and happy to have been asked by Parenting to participate in this live forum.
We are both, Faith and Sue, here together to answer your questions and to offer help and support with your parenting issues. We founded and run Parent Confidential that offers parent counselling in your own home or by telephone. Please do look at our website to find out more about us www.parentconfidential.co.uk
We are flattered to have been billed as ‘the experts’ but we want you all to know that our philosophy is always that you are the parents and you know your children best.
We will do our very best to help with any issues you may have and we hope you enjoy this evening’s forum and find some helpful tips.
So, let’s get started.
We have had some questions posted on the forum in advance, so perhaps we can begin with some of these since we have had a chance to do a little bit of work on these beforehand.
Zoe, how about we begin with you, and then you can read through our thoughts and come back during the discussion if you are here.
We will also post the answers to the questions that have been left on the site throughout the evening as well as taking your live questions.
Please do join in we’d be happy to hear from you.
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:00:08
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Hello Zoe,
Thanks for the question.
It seems as if there are two separate issues here:
1 Your son’s behaviour when he leaves school.
2 How your son interacts with his sister.
You are not alone on facing problems at the end of the school day, and it is particularly difficult for any parent when their child is ‘an angel’ at school and then behaves completely differently with you.
It would be good to know what sets off the screaming and anger. Perhaps you could let us know what the flashpoints are. What would he be doing if he got his own way?
How do you deal with his screaming at you?
First off, there are a couple of basic things that you could consider if you haven’t already:
• Is your son hungry? Kids often have a blood sugar low at the end of the school day and so, if you haven’t already tried it, something as simple as giving him a healthy energy boosting snack as soon as he comes through the gates could really help calm his mood.
• Does he need some ‘down time’? It’s easy to forget that kids can find school long and tiring – just as we can find the work day long and tiring! It is natural for a parent to want to know all about their kids’ day and to ask a lot of questions. From a grown up point of view this shows interest and love, but from an 8 year old point of view it may feel like lots of questions that demand answers and conversation. If he is tired and needs time to shift from school to home, this may feel like an irritation and at 8 years old he probably doesn’t have the tools to ask you to come back to him later for answers and information.
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:02:58
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Try holding off on the questions for a while and then introducing them more casually later on.
On the sharing with his sister issue, it sounds as if you find this very difficult. Again, you are not alone in dealing with this. It’s very common for siblings to have disputes and problems with sharing.
How old is your daughter? Often the problems can be age related and a phase. It would be good to know how you deal with this when it happens and whether there are any specific flashpoints that may help you to identify a pattern.
The really positive thing that you have highlighted is that your son clearly knows how to behave well and how to listen, so please try to hold onto that when you feel your heart is breaking because if he can do it at school, we feel sure that with a little bit of tweaking and work, he will be able to do it with you as well! Also, it’s important to remember that kids usually save their worst behaviour for the ones that love them most because you are a ‘safe’ person and will still love them.
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:03:43
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Hello Darren,
It is great that your son is so keen on sport and obviously enjoys it.
You are right, there is a tricky period when kids’ activities change from being ‘just for fun’ to being more competitive and serious.
It sounds as though you are very encouraging and supportive.
A couple of things come to mind.
Is this school sport or does he also play outside school?
Has he suffered from cruel comments or actually being left out of the team, or do you fear that he soon will be?
I’m sure most of us can remember being picked last, or not at all and how that felt. It’s not nice and can be particularly common in a school environment where allegiances/friendships have already grown up and politics and hierarchy have great sway.
If you haven’t already done so, perhaps looking into organised sport outside of the school environment would be useful in building his confidence? Often this would mean that once he was in a team, he was in, and it wouldn’t be reliant on other kids picking their team mates. Do you have any local leagues in the sports that he is interested in? In our experience the selection for these is based on merit because everyone comes from different places/schools/backgrounds so the playing field is literally more level.
Taking this route could really help your son to feel more confident and would also give him more experience of mixing with many different kids.
Just doing something that is outside of his usual peer group could make him feel more special and individual, boosting his self-esteem.
As far as kids being cruel is concerned, that’s always a difficult issue, but probably best met head on with a chat about how hard it is when people are nasty to you, but that it will sometimes happen and you are always there for him to talk to if something happens that he finds it hard to deal with.
?
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:07:26
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Hi Loulou, he's probably displaying his frustration in not being able to communicate and is displaying this through throwing things at you and screaming. It's important that you stay calm, talk to him, explain what it is that she is wanting and making it clear that you love him but don't like his behaviour. Just sending him to the naughty step if he doesn't understand is not going to mean anything, it would be better to explain to him what he has done and what you expect. If he continues then maybe having a naughty step or chair and taking him all the time talking to him and explaining why he needs to sit there, explain to him that you will come back after two or three minutes maybe giving him a sand timer as a visual aid. Good luck
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:09:23
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Dear Edel
Mornings and young children are a tricky combination. There is nothing like a 6 year old strop to bring everything to a crashing halt. And however much you try, it would take patience of saintly proportions to remain calm having asked your little cherub to 'please get your shoes and put them on nicely' for the sixth time! The trouble is if the morning starts off with yelling, shouting, cajoling, threatening and tears all round, the day has gone downhill before it's even started.
It may be tricky to get a routine established at first, you'll probably come up against resistance with one or two of the above, and there may still be days when chaos rules … but if you persevere with calm resolve and let everyone know what's expected of them, mornings in your house can be transformed and everyone can start out with a real chance of having a nice day!
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:15:08
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Eight top tips for stress-free mornings:
1. The night before is crucial, get as much done as possible to take the pressure off the morning. So, prepare lunchboxes, check with older ones if they need anything special for the next day, and make sure homework is done. (Nothing worse than a last-minute rush over breakfast!)
2. Get up first, get dressed and start the day as if you mean it. You may have to start earlier and resist the lure of an extra 10 minutes' snooze but the payoff of a stress-free morning is worth it!
3. Decide which order works best in your house. Some households work better having breakfast first then getting dressed, some the other way around. Decide which is best for you and your kids.
4. Switch off the TV. Dragging kids away from CBeebies is a real challenge, one best avoided! Having said that, it could work as an incentive for them to have 10 minutes of TV once they're actually ready.
5. Keep your expectations realistic about how much your child can do on their own to get themselves ready. Some kids love to get dressed, others need help. it could be worth compromising by helping them with some tasks and encouraging them to do other things by themselves. A star chart could work here, perhaps with drawings or cut-out pictures of around five tasks to be achieved. These work best if kept simple!
6. A few minutes positive attention can go a long way. Here's where sitting down to breakfast together can double up as a nice chat about the day ahead giving your child a confidence boost at the same time.
7. Avoid shouting! It may take superhuman powers to avoid getting angry when a small person is playing up but as soon as you've lost it, the situation is likely to escalate into tears, more shouting, and everyone feeling wretched. Meeting them at eye level, listening, then responding in a calm voice can take the heat out of the situation.
8. Build in an extra few minutes for those last minute crises which are sometimes unavoidable. At least, tha
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:15:33
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Sorry everyone...cut off the end of the 8 top morning tips.
At least, that way you know you have got a bit of slack for those occasions when you need it. And on the days you don't need the extra time, everyone will be a few minutes early!
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:17:21
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Hello Heidi,
Sounds like you must both be tired from doing this for 5 months.
Just to be sure, when you say that your 2 year old is now sleeping in a bed, does that mean that he was in with you before, or was he in a cot in his own room?
Some things spring to mind immediately.
What time is he going to bed? If you don’t have a bedtime routine this may be adding to the problem. We would suggest a regular bedtime, calm down time before bed so he isn’t over excited, and then bath time, teeth, bed, story and goodnight.
Perhaps viewing this from his point of view for a moment might help. If you were 2 years old and you wanted attention and you knew that your parents were right outside your door just waiting to give it to you, what would you do?
If the message you want to send is that you don’t want him to get up and you don’t expect him to get up, then he may be confused by the fact that you are there waiting to receive him when he does get up, even though your reasoning is that it returns him to bed more quickly.
Sleep patterns and waking at night can be really hard for parents to deal with because they require resolve and sometimes doing things that feel as if they go against one’s natural parenting instincts.
Here are a few ideas to think about.
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:23:23
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
1. First and most important the environment needs to be safe, so that if he wakes in the night and gets out of bed no harm will come to him if you are not right outside the door. Consider child gates etc if you don’t already have them so that he can be contained safely.
2. Think about what you want to achieve and make a plan to get there. It sounds like you are on a repeat cycle at the moment and nothing is changing.
3. A suggested change would be for you to resolve not to sit outside of the door and to deal with this in a different way.
4. One classic way to approach this – and a very effective approach – is the gradual withdrawal. It takes a little time to get to the desired result, and you need to be determined and focussed and think in advance about how hard it is to sit through a few minutes of your child being upset without going to them immediately, but if you are this can work.
So, assuming you have made the environment safe,
• You say goodnight and make it clear that you are going downstairs/into a different room after you have said goodnight.
• When your child gets up, you don’t go immediately (after all you know he is safe) but wait for about 5 minutes and then only one of you, not both, can go in and gently and calmly put him back to bed, say goodnight and again make it clear that you are not going to be outside the door by mentioning that you are going back to what you were doing.
• When he gets up again wait for 7 -10 minutes before one of you again goes in and repeats the routine.
• You can see the pattern that you wait a little longer each time and you avoid giving any extra attention by simply repeating the routine without anything added and also with only one of you doing it. It is probably better if you take it in turns to do an evening each and remain consistent.
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:24:08
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Hello Nic,
Brushing teeth is important, but as with everything balances need to be struck so that you don’t make your own life too difficult.
Have you tried getting him to brush his own teeth and really emphasising what a great job he is doing and how grown up he is to be doing it? It’s very likely he will do a terrible job, but this will make it easier for you to say how proud you are and to say, can I just do a little for you myself after you have done it because it looks such fun? It can turn into a battle so it may help if you both brush your teeth at the same time so he can mirror how to do it and this turns it into something grown up and fun where he is copying his parents.
Toe and fingernails are a bit more tricky because obviously he can’t use a pair of scissors! Perhaps trying to incorporate the whole process into a story...about the nail that was too long and had to have a haircut? Whatever you think may work for him. You could try ‘this little piggy’ with a nail cutting twist.
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:34:33
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
I have 14 month old twins who have slightly different sleeping habits. Whilst they both tend to have their naps at the same time, one sleeps longer than the other, especially at lunch time. While this doesn't affect their night time sleep, I do worry that I am giving more one on one time to the one who wakes earlier, and fear that the second twin will be missing out. Should I be concerned about this, or should I try to have one on one time with the "sleeper" to balance out?
Hello,
You know sometimes we as parents can be concerned about things that actually seem to have a natural balance to them.
From what you say, it seems as if the situation isn’t causing any problems for one or the other twin at the moment and whilst you are obviously wanting to spread your attention and love completely equally, it feels as if it isn’t broken so maybe a case of not trying to fix anything. It’s probably best just to enjoy the one on one time with your waking twin and leave your ‘sleeper’ to enjoy their long and peaceful nap!
If anything changes as they get older you can always review the situation then.
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:43:49
Posted by: parentconfidential London Posts: 26
Hi LouLou, can you tell us a bit more about your son not spending more time with kids of his own age? MAybe we can come up with some ideas.
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:45:44
Posted by: Graaff1 London Greater London Posts: 4
Hi Sue and Faith - I have been with my partner for 5 years and his 16 year old son has recently come to live with us full time after his mother was unable to cope. Before he came to live with us I had a good relationship with him but now he is constantly rude and agressive towards me. He refuses to keep his room tidy, goes out without telling us where he is going and comes home whenever he likes. My partner doesn't feel that there is a problem - he's just a teenager. I have a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship and I am worried that he is a bad influence on her. Can you help?
Complain About This Post Posted: 07/Apr/11 at 20:49:17
